Not too long ago I met a wonderful woman. From the day I met her I realized that she was all of the things that I could possibly ask for in a companion. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny and light-hearted, caring, a wonderful mother, a committed partner, and a woman of faith. She is the kind of woman that I want standing next to me through all the ups and downs that life has to offer. So recently, I asked her to be my wife, and she said yes.
This is my second marriage though, and if I am honest with myself, I have to admit I am a little scared. It has nothing to do with her. I have felt she was the right woman for me from the moment we met, and this feeling has only been confirmed day after day since. I want to be the right man for her. I want to know what right looks like from a Christian perspective and how I fit into the plan that God has put forth for marriage.
Because of this I have been thinking a lot about Paul’s epistle to the Ephesians. I love this letter for so many reasons. Many of the epistles were written to provide a prescription for a sick church. They are either addressing a particular heresy or correcting specific behavioral issues. The letter to the Ephesians is different. Paul is addressing a well-grounded and healthy congregation, giving his most detailed description of what God-centered living looks like. This letter includes his most explicit instructions for how we are called to act in our various roles in our households. It is particularly relevant to me right now in my search to be the man God has called me to be in my role as a husband.
Paul prefaces this section with the following statement: “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Right from the beginning Paul frames things in a way that separates the concept of Christian marriage from all others. In calling us to imitate Christ, Paul places the highest possible standard on us in our relationships. Good enough isn't good enough. We are called to something higher. I once heard a saying that marriage isn't 50/50, divorces end because couples put in 50/50. Marriage is 100/100. Paul affirms that sentiment by telling us to follow Christ's example.
He later continues:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
“Wives, submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
Now my purpose in posting this passage isn't to rub this in anyone's face or assert authority. Don't get me wrong, I believe that the husband is called to a special responsibility as head of the household. I affirm this concept. Unfortunately, this passage is often abused because it isn't viewed from the proper context.
That context is provided by Paul when he says to "submit to one another." Marriage is a relationship of mutual submission to one another with God as our head. This concept is demonstrated so poignantly by Paul in his epistle to the Philippians:
"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!"
Marriage is successful when both sides come to it with the intention to serve one another with everything they possess.
Having defined the role of the wife, Paul then turns his attention to the husband:
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church – for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
The first thing I noted is that the instructions for men are a lot longer than for the ladies. The responsibility we hold demands it. We as husbands are to love our wives the way Jesus loved the church. Yes, Jesus was the leader of the disciples. But that leadership came at such a cost. Jesus gave all of his time, teaching and healing others, barely able to find time for himself. He provided for their physical needs such as when he fed the five thousand, and healed the sick. But he also provided for their spiritual and emotional needs, pointing them to the father, comforting them when they needed it, teaching them, guiding them. He washed their feet to set an sample for them to follow then willingly gave up his life that all might be forgiven of our sins.
I too am being called to lay down my life symbolically, but in a real way as well.
The result of such sacrifice was that the subject of that unconditional and overflowing love was built up and made perfect. What an amazing promise! By loving my wife they way Christ loved me, I too can present something holy and blameless before God in my marriage.
I am fortunate to say I have an example to follow. I look at my parents who have endured the ups and downs of marriage for over forty-seven years by walking in this path. Yes, they have struggled at times, but through it all they kept God at the center of their marriage and built something that they can present to God, holy and blameless through the grace of Jesus Christ. What they built has stood the test of time. I want that as well.
God, I am not perfect. I am certainly no comparison to Christ. But I pray that you would help me to be the man you have called me to be. I pray that you will equip me to be the husband that builds my family up. Help me to show my wife each and every day how much I love her through my words, but more importantly through my actions. Help me to be worthy of her.
I love you Joan. I am so proud that soon I will be able to call you my wife. I look forward to the life we will build together.
